Before I wrote today’s post I sat down with a cup of lemon grass tea to read all my previous posts. There’s so many details I had forgotten about already, and it left me wondering how many cool stories I’ve forgotten before I shared them on this cyber space. It got me a bit sad for the lack of motivation I’ve had to write, but now I feel like I’m starting a new phase in my life, that I need to share with all of you.
I turned 29 on September 2nd, and after having a little bit of a stressful birthday last year during my trip to Colombia, I decided in April 2019 to spoil myself and spend my birthday, not online but drinking cocktails on a tropical island. I purchased the coolest vacation I’ve ever been to on a fancy website someone recommended. I left for my trip on my birthday after finishing up an amazing month online, I left feeling at peace, happy and proud of achieving a big goal I set for August. I took a couple of books with me and spent about a week thinking about where my life is going and where I am at this point.
I like to think of myself as a happy, bubbly person. I always try to improve myself by reading books, going to conferences, watching YouTube videos, meditating and doing everything I can to “make myself better and happier”. However, it was during this trip that I was conscious about the most important realization I’ve had in my life: simply I don’t believe I am worthy of being happy, so all the “personal improvement” and everything I did to better myself was never going to work permanently, because of those unconscious beliefs about myself.
The whole idea came to my head while I was sitting down by the ocean only a few meters away from the shore staring at the beautiful mountains. The tide was pretty low and I was the only person there late in the afternoon. It was quiet and peaceful and if I’m being honest I felt like I was sitting next to God, having him whispering everything into my ear. I began to feel different, I started to feel open to receiving love.
The following days I spent thinking about my poor decisions in the past and realized that I’ve been the person spoiling the good things in my life. Getting close to people I knew weren’t meant for me and leaving behind the ones that care about me the most to later on complain I have no one for me. I don’t believe anyone is alone, I don’t believe anyone is a victim of the circumstances unless you decide to become one. I felt a few months ago like I was getting to a point where the sad feelings and emotions were taking over.
For the first time in my life I had a sense of whole peace with the universe and felt on the highest frequency I’ve ever been. That’s when I started to think about the “special person” in my life. He’s always been there besides my attempts to not let that relationship work, besides getting involved with the wrong people and wanting to end the relationship for good multiple times. This person has always shown me love, the good kind of love, the kind of love that lasts forever and goes beyond any mistakes and is probably the first person in my life that made me feel truly loved.
During this trip I decided it was time for me to put all my energy in this relationship, he is who I believe is the love of my life. It has never been another and it never will be, he is a good man, with a good heart that does nothing but bring joy to anyone around him. I know in the past I’ve been unfair and focused on the negative things about the relationship, but as anything in life, it has good and not so good moments.
This was the only part of my life I wanted to keep to myself, I never knew exactly how things were going to end. Now I know for sure I NEVER want anything to end. I decided to be open about my past mistakes (that by the way, was the whole reason I managed to grow on this journey). I want to be open about what I want, and at this point I want this relationship to work as I say “Full HD”. I chose him to be my husband many years ago and today writing this for all of you I want to be open about it, knowing that many of my supporters might walk away, perhaps I’ll grow closer with others and be able to talk about all aspects of my life.
I’m starting to see myself differently now, the insecure girl that started this journey as a camgirl is fading away with the years. I no longer seek validation from anyone besides myself. I no longer give power to other people to dictate who I am and because of that I am able to enjoy my job as a camgirl more than ever. Oh, that’s right! Last time I wrote, it was all about how drained and exhausted I was of this lifestyle, but it all came from a lack of balance and focusing on pleasing everyone instead of having a good time and allowing things to flow.
In between June and August I met so many wonderful people on MyFreeCams. I started to build healthy relationships with people, they bring so much good to me and it has changed my outlook in life as well. I am deeply grateful for each one of you guys, keeping me company everyday and helping me build a wonderful, fun room where everyone feels welcomed.
Life is a learning experience and I am today grateful for all the times I’ve fallen, been hurt or did the “wrong thing”. I know today that no one else besides myself can teach me how to live my life or handle my relationships with people. I am welcoming true love to my life by choice and not because it is what “you’re supposed to do”. I am possibly saying good bye to people that won’t be able to handle the way things go in my life and welcoming all of the new people that will come to bring good things.
You decide what kind of life you want to live and on September 2019 I made my choices. I hope to see you back in my room, if not… know that I wish you the best in life always.
Until next time.