my friends asked me, “when is the next blog coming?” so many times. i just didn’t feel like writing about anything. i haven’t felt like sharing much for a while, because sometimes, opening up about being sad, frustrated or simply tired of life makes me feel… lame.
after the post “a broken heart” when i shared so many vulnerabilities, i slowly began to feel better. i don’t know if sharing this particular post will help me get better or not, but one thing is for sure, writing helps me clear my mind.
i must confess i don’t have the same passion for camming i had in the past, i spent all morning today trying to figure out what the hell is wrong, why do i feel so drained by the cam world, when i haven’t been online for almost 2 weeks? is this something that happens to everyone no matter what kind of work you do? do people get just sick of it?
i thought i was going to be mentally refreshed after my break, but i’m not. i thought the first day back, i was going to fall in love with my job again, but i didn’t. i realized i’ve been feeling like this for a while now. why? why did i stop trying? what’s going on? lately i don’t feel like connecting with anyone, seeing my “work phone” causes me so much stress and anxiety for apparently no reason, it gets me very confused. this is not me.
i’ve been inside my room with the curtains closed for a few days now, i don’t feel like doing anything. such a bummer huh? i took today off to rest my mind and “get my shit together” type of thing, but then i started feeling worse, all sad, hard to talk to type of person. *yuck*
i don’t know what’s next, or how to get out of this hole but i’ll figure it out. i always do and will keep doing it every time i get into these “dark periods”. i’m sharing this today because i know there’s a lot of people out there that care about me. this somehow is a way for me to express and remind you that i’m not upset and if i seem quiet or distant it is because of everything going on in my mind.
you guys give me so much love and support through thick and thin, and never, not even for a second i’ve felt lonely or misunderstood, i’m just tired of myself (i hope that makes sense) not tired of my friends. you all are my family. the people i’ve met through the years on the site have changed my live completely, for that… i’m grateful everyday.
i know i haven’t been in my best shape mentally, (physically yes because my butt is looking good lol), but i feel there’s so much more i can give, after all, in my humble opinion, having fun is the whole point of this thing called life. making others happy, bringing something positive to the people around you and enjoying the ride, we’re not here for long after all.
to close up this post, i’d like to share with you that on June 3rd after some thinking (more like by impulse like every big decision i’ve made in my life) i decided to go back to university, to study the subject i’ve been passionate about since i can remember. i feel hopeful for the days to come, and in my heart i know the new direction my life is taking is going to add up in my career as an entertainer.
thank you for reading.